This blog is a bit of a strange one as I wrote each bit in the moment but then had to abandon it for reasons you will soon read about. I've decided to leave it exactly how I wrote it but add in some bits, dates and create one long post...
Tuesday May 7th.
It's 4:33am and I'm lying in bed with a beaming smile giggling to myself...why? Because I've just got off the phone to Emily and Adam after telling them I think it might be time to have a baby!
I find myself picturing them rushing around getting ready to leave, and imagining how many times Emily has said 'oh my god' so far.
Contractions are so far manageable but getting more intense and much more regular now. The first ones came about 12:30am and I tried to ignore as they were very short and weak,although very close together and even tailed off at around 2:30am. By 3:30am they were back with much more of a kick and I decided it was time to get everybody on alert.
I'm still worrying I've got it wrong but was no longer comfortable enough to take that risk and they are now on their way to Coventry and will hopefully meet their little girl today!
Thursday May 9th.
Ok, sadly it's been two days since I started writing this and there is still no baby!!
One of my fears came true and It was a false alarm, we are all very frustrated and I'm feeling like a big fat fail.
Em and Adam arrived here in record time with an early morning M25 journey working in their favour. My Mum was not far behind them, ready to have the kids, contractions were getting stronger and much more intense. All was good and exciting...
Then nothing. Everything stopped.
A power walk got pains starting again and a bath kicked off a couple more then literally nothing else happened. By 10pm I was exhausted having been up all night and it was pretty clear nothing was happening, so after lots of emotion Em and Adam headed to a hotel and I headed to bed. I think we were all hopeful of something happening over night but nothing did, neither did it the next day. Everything really had just vanished!
It's Thursday now and we are playing the waiting game. Emily and Adam are still here but how long do they wait for?
The dilemma being that they could go home and risk missing it if things suddenly progress quickly, but they could decide to stay indefinitely and we end up 2 weeks overdue. We are all feeling the pressure of that decision but sadly none of us have a crystal ball and with us only being a week off due date anyway, nobody can really know.
Saturday May 11th
After speaking to the acupuncturist that I saw to get baby turning (which as we know was a great success) she agreed it sounded like baby was ready and I booked in for a natural induction therapy on Friday morning. Adam and I had a brisk walk around the park afterwards and we decided a curry was in order on Friday night. I think we were all hopeful we wouldn't make it to Saturday morning but again, here we are, waiting and waiting for nature to take it's course.
I felt awful when I went to bed and have had yet more frustrating twinges through the night but nothing is progressing at the moment.
I'm trying desperately not to feel the pressure of all of this but I'm very aware that it's my body putting everybody's life on temporary hold. This is where the realisation hits about how different the situation is and the different sets of problems we are facing. Had this been a conventional pregnancy then we'd have gone back to normal by now, safe in the knowledge everyone is close enough to react in an emergency, but with Em and Adam living two hours away, that decision isn't as easy. There are also two family's worth of people eagerly waiting for news that isn't coming, and every question makes one of us feel a little more disheartened, even though we know we shouldn't.
I'm trying to keep telling myself that this isn't my fault, and more so than that, however long we are all waiting, it will all be very very worth it in the end.
This is not the part we are going to remember in weeks or years to come, and will be nothing more than a funny story to embarrass LM(pain,monkey bum)HH!
Sunday May 12th
Well Saturday brought a funny old day. I had some on and off pains through Friday night that didn't really lead to much, enjoyed a nice lay in on Saturday morning and then started to feel completely crap. I was hot, thirsty, irritable and generally feeling rubbish. I started to lose my plug and continued to do so throughout the day and mild contractions were coming regularly from afternoon onwards. I kept quiet at first as I didn't want to get anybody's hopes up and Em's parents had visited and took her out for a bit of normality (I knew she wouldn't want to go if she knew I was feeling something) but as the day went on they got stronger and quite painful and at one point I was hopeful we wouldn't make dinnertime.
Just to add to the frustrations though, by bedtime things were still only ticking along nicely. No major change in intensity or frequency. So we all headed to bed.
It's now Sunday morning and although the pains continued throughout the night they still didn't amount to anything and we're still blooming waiting!
Maybe today is the day?
Monday May 13th
The rest of Sunday brought a bit of a down day. I was really feeling the frustration. Adam had made the decision to head back home so as not to affect work too much, Emily decided she'd stay with us for the duration so she was nearby and the pressure was starting to get to me. I spent some of the day in tears and the rest pretty much sulking and not knowing what I wanted to do with myself. Emily was fab and ordered me out for a waddle/hop with her (also known as a walk) and we both visited my Grandma after that for a girly chat and a cuppa. I felt much better about things once I'd got home and made the decision not to go for another session of acupuncture that evening. Not because I thought it would be useless, but because I had an instinct that my body knew what it was doing and to let it take it's course. I also felt I'd be more stressed if I felt there was something else everyone was pinning their hopes on working, which wasn't going to help any of us, so I left it. We had a relaxing evening with a takeaway and although I was contracting regularly again, and having to breathe through a few of them, by near midnight things still hadn't progressed so we all went to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.
The pains continued hourly throughout the night and I kept my TENS machine on for most of it. They were still coming by morning but still didn't seem to want to regulate.
Emily went out mid morning to meet a friend and I'll admit to panicking a bit as now neither her or Adam were here if anything happened quickly and the pressure of making the decision of when to call them was back. I was still contracting and somewhat more regularly (about 15 minutes apart but nothing too strong) at this point but keeping in the spirit of feeling the pressure I think I was holding back a bit while she was gone and no amount of willing things to hurry would have worked as I just wasn't relaxed enough to let it happen.
Sure enough once she was back I felt a burst of energy and relaxed back into the 'what will be will be' attitude I'd had on Sunday evening. A short walk around the block with Steve at 3pm brought on some hefty pains and at 3:30pm everything suddenly ramped up.....
Was Labour day finally here??
Showing posts with label Surrogate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Surrogate. Show all posts
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Birth Story- Niki's account.
Ok so it was 3:30pm on Monday May 13th. I'd just got back from my walk and my contractions had just started to ramp up a notch....ok, a good few notches. I'd gone from wondering if it was the real thing to suddenly panicking that I couldn't get my mum on the phone and trying to hide my pain from the kids who were still running around the lounge playing. I could see the look of knowledge on Steve's face who, having seen this twice before knew exactly what was happening, and knew it was for real this time. A glance at Emily, who had just instructed Adam to come back, showed a mixture of panic, excitement and nerves. My Mum arrived in record time and her face showed both relief and concern. The kids were brilliant and although I could tell they knew something was going on, they were taking it all in their stride as usual. I finally got through to the hospital at 4:30pm and by this time contractions were coming thick and fast at only 3 minutes apart! We were told to come straight in.
After waiting what seemed like an age in the Labour ward triage waiting room (and feeling somewhat like a goldfish with people watching me breathing through each contraction) we were called through to the birthing pool suite for examination at 5:20pm.
5cm!!!!! Hurrah!!!! We were half way there. Although I had a feeling things were closer than everybody was expecting things to be.
Adam arrived at 5:45pm and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Both Mummy and Daddy would see their little girl come into the world.
The birthing pool was filled and in the mean time Steve helped me get undressed and in to my tankini top. I was literally having to pause for breath every minute or two as the contractions just didn't seem to stop at times. The TENS, although still very effective, just wasn't quite cutting it and it had to come off for me to get in the water anyway so I opted for some gas and air to be ready for me. I made it in to the pool before needing my first gasp which offered some welcome relief and I instantly felt better prepared to manage what was to come. I got in at 6:10pm and Steve had already joked that he was setting the timer for half an hour as this is how long I was in the pool before my daughter made a speedy unexpected appearance (I was 5cm on this occasion too), so after the next contraction when I informed the midwife I was feeling a lot of pressure I think both he and I knew that it wasn't going to be long, although she wasn't as sure.
On the next contraction as expected the uncontrollable and fully spontaneous urge to push arrived.
When I had my first child, I remember getting a mild pushing urge but after examination was told I wasn't ready and to resist it. When I said I wasn't sure I'd be able to her reply was 'if you are truly ready to push then nothing I say or you can do will stop you'. I never truly understood that until the birth of my second when that urge truly arrived, very unexpectedly and I did try and stop it. Three pushes later I had my daughter in my arms.
So here it was again, that spontaneous urge that for me brings a welcome relief. This is my favourite part of labour (yes I know i'm nuts) as it signifies the beginning of the end and I cope with this far better than I do any amount of contractions. I could feel LMHH getting closer to the world and fully trusted my body to do what it needed to. The midwife still wasn't convinced and mid contraction announced a changeover. The new midwife left the room and I heard somebody say 'she can't be ready to push yet' and somebody else reply 'she could be, it is her third baby'.
From here things are a bit of a blur as there was very little break between each contraction. Little Miss Hitchhiker was ready, and no amount of doubting midwives were going to stop her from meeting her parents. I frantically signalled for Emily to get properly into the pool and carried on pushing. I later found out that Steve had gone out to tell the midwife he could see baby's head crowning (he later found out she hadn't believed him) and on the next push baby's head was out. The pushing was pretty continuous but I heard the midwife reassuring Emily that baby was still in her waters and it was the membranes she could see around her head, On the last push I felt the waters go and LMHH arrived at 6:32pm, just 22 minutes after getting in to the pool and recorded second stage/pushing time being 4 minutes!!
It never ceases to amaze me how all the pain just stops when a baby is born. The relief flooded in and I opened my eyes to a teeny purpley bundle being handed to her Mummy. A 'how did that happen' moment washed over me and I allowed myself a few moments just to look around and take everything in. Emily's face came first and the pure emotion in her expression, that look I'd been focusing on for all this time, through the whole journey was finally in front of me. Adam's next, equally emotional and lost for words with a smile that beamed at me. Then Steve, my rock throughout the whole journey (and I have to add, a pro at the whole birth partner thing). His face was a proud one, and the look he gave me still chokes me up to think of it now.
We opted for a physiological third stage and so Mummy, baby and I huddled together in the water while we waited for the cord to stop pulsating. It all felt very surreal. We'd been waiting so long for this moment, yet with the week we'd all had it was hard to believe it wasn't all a dream. I had my first cuddles in the water and it was soon time to cut the cord, which could only be a job for Daddy.
This was an unexpected emotional bit for me and the tears poured out watching the final physical tie connecting me to LMHH be cut. It was still a happy emotion and one, if I'm honest, I find really hard to explain. I had another cuddle and said a little goodbye and officially handed baby back to her proud parents for good. The beaming grins that didn't leave their faces all evening (and possibly never will), the love in their eyes for the little girl they thought they might never have. and the ecstatic squeals of excitement down the phone from the family who were all awaiting news will forever make this journey worthwhile.
Was it emotional? Of course! I bawled by eyes out for a whole evening after Em, Adam and LMHH left our house. Cue a worried Steve and my Mum. Part of getting past that was telling myself it's blooming normal to be emotional, birth is a pretty huge deal, hormones are flying everywhere and the little wriggle bum that had been keeping me up with all night parties and heartburn for the last few months had just left the building and of course I was going to miss her. The previous days events seemed like a total blur and I'd had around 3 hours sleep in nearly 48 hours. The one thing that held me together though was knowing that two of my best friends had just gone home to properly start their journey into parenthood, and I helped them get there.
I spent the evening reflecting on everything with Steve, going over Monday out loud, hearing bits from him I'd missed (being slightly preoccupied and all that). By the next morning after a good nights sleep and a gorgeous early morning cuddles photograph from Em I was back to myself and feeling on cloud nine about it all and each day has got better and better.
I'm recovering well and quickly, things are slowly getting back to normal at home with the kids and each time I get a picture through from Em my heart melts for them all a tiny bit more.
I was hugely overwhelmed by the messages of not only thanks but support I got over the few days following the birth. Also by how much our journey has touched everyone who has known about it, some of whom are complete strangers. I've spent the whole journey being surprised by how much of a big deal everybody has found surrogacy to be and it is only now I've realised just how much people are affected by it.
It's only really hit me in the last day or so how far we've really come since those first few 'getting to know you' months and early Teamie trips and I think I can now tell myself I'm allowed to be proud.
I did a good thing.
After waiting what seemed like an age in the Labour ward triage waiting room (and feeling somewhat like a goldfish with people watching me breathing through each contraction) we were called through to the birthing pool suite for examination at 5:20pm.
5cm!!!!! Hurrah!!!! We were half way there. Although I had a feeling things were closer than everybody was expecting things to be.
Adam arrived at 5:45pm and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Both Mummy and Daddy would see their little girl come into the world.
The birthing pool was filled and in the mean time Steve helped me get undressed and in to my tankini top. I was literally having to pause for breath every minute or two as the contractions just didn't seem to stop at times. The TENS, although still very effective, just wasn't quite cutting it and it had to come off for me to get in the water anyway so I opted for some gas and air to be ready for me. I made it in to the pool before needing my first gasp which offered some welcome relief and I instantly felt better prepared to manage what was to come. I got in at 6:10pm and Steve had already joked that he was setting the timer for half an hour as this is how long I was in the pool before my daughter made a speedy unexpected appearance (I was 5cm on this occasion too), so after the next contraction when I informed the midwife I was feeling a lot of pressure I think both he and I knew that it wasn't going to be long, although she wasn't as sure.
On the next contraction as expected the uncontrollable and fully spontaneous urge to push arrived.
When I had my first child, I remember getting a mild pushing urge but after examination was told I wasn't ready and to resist it. When I said I wasn't sure I'd be able to her reply was 'if you are truly ready to push then nothing I say or you can do will stop you'. I never truly understood that until the birth of my second when that urge truly arrived, very unexpectedly and I did try and stop it. Three pushes later I had my daughter in my arms.
So here it was again, that spontaneous urge that for me brings a welcome relief. This is my favourite part of labour (yes I know i'm nuts) as it signifies the beginning of the end and I cope with this far better than I do any amount of contractions. I could feel LMHH getting closer to the world and fully trusted my body to do what it needed to. The midwife still wasn't convinced and mid contraction announced a changeover. The new midwife left the room and I heard somebody say 'she can't be ready to push yet' and somebody else reply 'she could be, it is her third baby'.
From here things are a bit of a blur as there was very little break between each contraction. Little Miss Hitchhiker was ready, and no amount of doubting midwives were going to stop her from meeting her parents. I frantically signalled for Emily to get properly into the pool and carried on pushing. I later found out that Steve had gone out to tell the midwife he could see baby's head crowning (he later found out she hadn't believed him) and on the next push baby's head was out. The pushing was pretty continuous but I heard the midwife reassuring Emily that baby was still in her waters and it was the membranes she could see around her head, On the last push I felt the waters go and LMHH arrived at 6:32pm, just 22 minutes after getting in to the pool and recorded second stage/pushing time being 4 minutes!!
It never ceases to amaze me how all the pain just stops when a baby is born. The relief flooded in and I opened my eyes to a teeny purpley bundle being handed to her Mummy. A 'how did that happen' moment washed over me and I allowed myself a few moments just to look around and take everything in. Emily's face came first and the pure emotion in her expression, that look I'd been focusing on for all this time, through the whole journey was finally in front of me. Adam's next, equally emotional and lost for words with a smile that beamed at me. Then Steve, my rock throughout the whole journey (and I have to add, a pro at the whole birth partner thing). His face was a proud one, and the look he gave me still chokes me up to think of it now.
We opted for a physiological third stage and so Mummy, baby and I huddled together in the water while we waited for the cord to stop pulsating. It all felt very surreal. We'd been waiting so long for this moment, yet with the week we'd all had it was hard to believe it wasn't all a dream. I had my first cuddles in the water and it was soon time to cut the cord, which could only be a job for Daddy.
This was an unexpected emotional bit for me and the tears poured out watching the final physical tie connecting me to LMHH be cut. It was still a happy emotion and one, if I'm honest, I find really hard to explain. I had another cuddle and said a little goodbye and officially handed baby back to her proud parents for good. The beaming grins that didn't leave their faces all evening (and possibly never will), the love in their eyes for the little girl they thought they might never have. and the ecstatic squeals of excitement down the phone from the family who were all awaiting news will forever make this journey worthwhile.
Was it emotional? Of course! I bawled by eyes out for a whole evening after Em, Adam and LMHH left our house. Cue a worried Steve and my Mum. Part of getting past that was telling myself it's blooming normal to be emotional, birth is a pretty huge deal, hormones are flying everywhere and the little wriggle bum that had been keeping me up with all night parties and heartburn for the last few months had just left the building and of course I was going to miss her. The previous days events seemed like a total blur and I'd had around 3 hours sleep in nearly 48 hours. The one thing that held me together though was knowing that two of my best friends had just gone home to properly start their journey into parenthood, and I helped them get there.
I spent the evening reflecting on everything with Steve, going over Monday out loud, hearing bits from him I'd missed (being slightly preoccupied and all that). By the next morning after a good nights sleep and a gorgeous early morning cuddles photograph from Em I was back to myself and feeling on cloud nine about it all and each day has got better and better.
I'm recovering well and quickly, things are slowly getting back to normal at home with the kids and each time I get a picture through from Em my heart melts for them all a tiny bit more.
I was hugely overwhelmed by the messages of not only thanks but support I got over the few days following the birth. Also by how much our journey has touched everyone who has known about it, some of whom are complete strangers. I've spent the whole journey being surprised by how much of a big deal everybody has found surrogacy to be and it is only now I've realised just how much people are affected by it.
It's only really hit me in the last day or so how far we've really come since those first few 'getting to know you' months and early Teamie trips and I think I can now tell myself I'm allowed to be proud.
I did a good thing.
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Under pressure
So we've reached that stage in the pregnancy where it really could be any day now...of course it could also still be a few weeks away and there is no way of knowing.
We've also reached that stage where you tune in to every single niggle and tightening, questioning if this could be the start of something. You'd think 3rd time around you'd feel pretty clued up on the whole labour thing wouldn't you? Well I don't.
When pregnant with my own two the possible early signs of labour came and went and it was enough just to say to the hubby 'Oooh, I feel a bit odd this evening', safe in the knowledge everything was ready if things progressed and we needed to rush off. When the parents of the baby are a whole 2 hours away (on a good, non rush hour drive), this is a whole different ball game!
So now I'm sat here, getting daily niggles and feeling a bit crappy, not only wondering if it's the start of things, but worrying that if it is, I'll leave it too late to give Em and Adam the nod to get up here and on the flip side of that not wanting to tell them too early if it fizzles out and is nothing (like it has done over the last couple of days).
The title of this post is probably a bit deceiving, as although I do feel under a tremendous amount of pressure to get this bit right, all of that pressure is from me and not from Em and Adam. They've both said they'd rather many false alarms than me not keep them updated about the niggles but it still doesn't make it any easier to judge.
I've joked about my waters going in spectacular fashion on the lounge carpet (the only part of labour I've not experienced as they were artificially ruptured with Jack and went on my last push in the birthing pool with Beth), but joking aside, I'm secretly wishing that this is how labour will start this time as at least then I'll be confident in telling them to get their butts moving ;)
On a slightly different note...
We're officially in May!!!!!! With a mid month due date, it's almost guaranteed that Little Miss Hitchhiker will make her appearance THIS MONTH!!!
I'm still as excited as ever (although possibly not quite as excited as Em and Adam) and just can't wait for the moment the proud parents get their first cuddle.
We've also reached that stage where you tune in to every single niggle and tightening, questioning if this could be the start of something. You'd think 3rd time around you'd feel pretty clued up on the whole labour thing wouldn't you? Well I don't.
When pregnant with my own two the possible early signs of labour came and went and it was enough just to say to the hubby 'Oooh, I feel a bit odd this evening', safe in the knowledge everything was ready if things progressed and we needed to rush off. When the parents of the baby are a whole 2 hours away (on a good, non rush hour drive), this is a whole different ball game!
So now I'm sat here, getting daily niggles and feeling a bit crappy, not only wondering if it's the start of things, but worrying that if it is, I'll leave it too late to give Em and Adam the nod to get up here and on the flip side of that not wanting to tell them too early if it fizzles out and is nothing (like it has done over the last couple of days).
The title of this post is probably a bit deceiving, as although I do feel under a tremendous amount of pressure to get this bit right, all of that pressure is from me and not from Em and Adam. They've both said they'd rather many false alarms than me not keep them updated about the niggles but it still doesn't make it any easier to judge.
I've joked about my waters going in spectacular fashion on the lounge carpet (the only part of labour I've not experienced as they were artificially ruptured with Jack and went on my last push in the birthing pool with Beth), but joking aside, I'm secretly wishing that this is how labour will start this time as at least then I'll be confident in telling them to get their butts moving ;)
On a slightly different note...
We're officially in May!!!!!! With a mid month due date, it's almost guaranteed that Little Miss Hitchhiker will make her appearance THIS MONTH!!!
I'm still as excited as ever (although possibly not quite as excited as Em and Adam) and just can't wait for the moment the proud parents get their first cuddle.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Where do I start?
A month since the last post and what a month it has been!
The run up to Easter was getting exciting, Beth's birthday was coming up along with her party and more teamie time, followed by our teamie break to Bournemouth the week afterwards and Em's baby shower after that. All great fun, right?
The day the kids were due to break up Beth got rather poorly. My lovely, bubbly, chatty girl turned into a sleepy ball of heat with the flu (I suspect). Cue lots of cuddles and an unhappy Jack as a heavily pregnant Mummy struggled to split her time between poorly girl and unsympathetic energetic boy! She was just recovered enough to enjoy her birthday party and faith in an enjoyable Easter break was restored.
Teamies invaded the Evans' household on the 1st for the party and off we all trotted to the community centre...then disaster number two struck. Em hurt her foot, rather badly, on the bouncy castle (yes in hindsight the circumstances are quite amusing...sorry Em!) and a trip to A&E the next day confirmed she had snapped her Achilles tendon and would be in full plaster cast for up to 8 weeks :(
After telling her off for thinking she'd ruined everything (plaster casts and water births don't really mix well) and her coming to terms with the fact this was just a minor blip and things really weren't going to change much we all relaxed again...for a day or so anyway...until disaster number three arrived. Em really wasn't well and ended up with a week long stay in hospital for an infection (the upside to this being at least we knew she was resting the aforementioned foot and not trying to do too much!). Hopes of Teamie break away quickly vanished and we were all disappointed to be missing out on Teamie time, but obviously Em's recovery was much more important and we repeatedly told her not to even consider worrying about it.
As usual the hospital knew what they were doing and Em was home in time for a few days rest before the Evans' invaded Surrey and the time for the baby shower had arrived. We all piled round in our florals and tea dresses for a beautiful afternoon tea at Emily's Mum's house (complete with 60 yr old china tea set!!). Everybody had worked so hard to make the day perfect for Em and so much thought had gone into the planing of it. It was so magical to see Em so excited and if the realisation that in as little as five weeks she'd be having a baby hadn't hit before now, it certainly did at the shower!
The boys ran 'Daddy Day Care' from Adam's parent's house and they had a lovely afternoon enjoying some sunshine too.
Joy had been restored and by the time we left Surrey we were all back to beaming again...
Of course that couldn't last. The next day brought disaster number four- a midwife appointment and the news that little miss monkey is breech...
A whole mixture of emotions followed for me. Obviously there is the risk of needing a c-section in any pregnancy, but things had been so perfect up to now, and with the hopes of a water-birth being in our minds for nearly as long as the pregnancy, the idea that a c-section could now end up being a possibility was a very tough thing for me to get my head around. Sticking needles in my belly was more than enough medical intervention for me so the idea of what is essentially major surgery terrified me. Being nearly 36 weeks the window for natural turning is quickly closing and although I know babies can turn as late as in labour all hope suddenly seemed very lost.
I have a funny way of dealing with things. I have a certain cycle that I always go through on the receipt of anything remotely negative. First comes what I call the 'woe is me, everything is lost' stage. I worry,I fret, I might cry, I sulk....a lot, I won't talk about it rationally, as there can be no possible rational positive.
Seconds comes the Google stage involving filling my head with as much information as I possibly can. After this I feel remotely better, well informed is well armed and all that.
Third comes reflection. After this I usually manage to talk about things rationally, I feel much better about everything, can finally see the positives and take a 'what will be will be' attitude.
So by the end of Monday I felt fine, after making sure Em was OK with me trying it I started an acupuncture therapy called Moxibustion in the hope that we can encourage little madam to shift on her own. Next Thursday will be scan day and we'll find out how stubborn she is being. If she is breech we will meet with the Doctor on the same day and go through all the options. Obviously avoiding c-section would be the ideal aim, and it's been suggested that with this being my third pregnancy, providing it was a straightforward breech position, a natural birth may still be an option. There is going to be a lot for us all to think about though, both for mine and baby's safety and whatever we decide it's certainly not going to be an easy decision.
Emily and Adam are being fabulous as usual though and although I know the decision would be huge, I also know there is no pressure and that we'll all be able to see each other's points of view and come to the right decision for all of us.
Fingers crossed we won't need to make it and Little Miss Hitch Hiker is just trying to keep us on our toes.
Meanwhile I shall continue being stabbed and heated by the acupuncturist and send positive (and slightly stern) turning vibes to my little house guest.
So yeah, it's been eventful. Maybe the term disaster is a little much in the grand scheme of things but as I said above, my way of dealing with such issues is to immediately treat it as one and then deal with it gradually.
For now, it's back to remaining positive for Cheese Teamcake. Teamie relations are stronger than ever and however Little Miss Hitchhiker makes her entrance, none of us can wait to meet the monkey.
The run up to Easter was getting exciting, Beth's birthday was coming up along with her party and more teamie time, followed by our teamie break to Bournemouth the week afterwards and Em's baby shower after that. All great fun, right?
The day the kids were due to break up Beth got rather poorly. My lovely, bubbly, chatty girl turned into a sleepy ball of heat with the flu (I suspect). Cue lots of cuddles and an unhappy Jack as a heavily pregnant Mummy struggled to split her time between poorly girl and unsympathetic energetic boy! She was just recovered enough to enjoy her birthday party and faith in an enjoyable Easter break was restored.
Teamies invaded the Evans' household on the 1st for the party and off we all trotted to the community centre...then disaster number two struck. Em hurt her foot, rather badly, on the bouncy castle (yes in hindsight the circumstances are quite amusing...sorry Em!) and a trip to A&E the next day confirmed she had snapped her Achilles tendon and would be in full plaster cast for up to 8 weeks :(
After telling her off for thinking she'd ruined everything (plaster casts and water births don't really mix well) and her coming to terms with the fact this was just a minor blip and things really weren't going to change much we all relaxed again...for a day or so anyway...until disaster number three arrived. Em really wasn't well and ended up with a week long stay in hospital for an infection (the upside to this being at least we knew she was resting the aforementioned foot and not trying to do too much!). Hopes of Teamie break away quickly vanished and we were all disappointed to be missing out on Teamie time, but obviously Em's recovery was much more important and we repeatedly told her not to even consider worrying about it.
As usual the hospital knew what they were doing and Em was home in time for a few days rest before the Evans' invaded Surrey and the time for the baby shower had arrived. We all piled round in our florals and tea dresses for a beautiful afternoon tea at Emily's Mum's house (complete with 60 yr old china tea set!!). Everybody had worked so hard to make the day perfect for Em and so much thought had gone into the planing of it. It was so magical to see Em so excited and if the realisation that in as little as five weeks she'd be having a baby hadn't hit before now, it certainly did at the shower!
The boys ran 'Daddy Day Care' from Adam's parent's house and they had a lovely afternoon enjoying some sunshine too.
Joy had been restored and by the time we left Surrey we were all back to beaming again...
Of course that couldn't last. The next day brought disaster number four- a midwife appointment and the news that little miss monkey is breech...
A whole mixture of emotions followed for me. Obviously there is the risk of needing a c-section in any pregnancy, but things had been so perfect up to now, and with the hopes of a water-birth being in our minds for nearly as long as the pregnancy, the idea that a c-section could now end up being a possibility was a very tough thing for me to get my head around. Sticking needles in my belly was more than enough medical intervention for me so the idea of what is essentially major surgery terrified me. Being nearly 36 weeks the window for natural turning is quickly closing and although I know babies can turn as late as in labour all hope suddenly seemed very lost.
I have a funny way of dealing with things. I have a certain cycle that I always go through on the receipt of anything remotely negative. First comes what I call the 'woe is me, everything is lost' stage. I worry,I fret, I might cry, I sulk....a lot, I won't talk about it rationally, as there can be no possible rational positive.
Seconds comes the Google stage involving filling my head with as much information as I possibly can. After this I feel remotely better, well informed is well armed and all that.
Third comes reflection. After this I usually manage to talk about things rationally, I feel much better about everything, can finally see the positives and take a 'what will be will be' attitude.
So by the end of Monday I felt fine, after making sure Em was OK with me trying it I started an acupuncture therapy called Moxibustion in the hope that we can encourage little madam to shift on her own. Next Thursday will be scan day and we'll find out how stubborn she is being. If she is breech we will meet with the Doctor on the same day and go through all the options. Obviously avoiding c-section would be the ideal aim, and it's been suggested that with this being my third pregnancy, providing it was a straightforward breech position, a natural birth may still be an option. There is going to be a lot for us all to think about though, both for mine and baby's safety and whatever we decide it's certainly not going to be an easy decision.
Emily and Adam are being fabulous as usual though and although I know the decision would be huge, I also know there is no pressure and that we'll all be able to see each other's points of view and come to the right decision for all of us.
Fingers crossed we won't need to make it and Little Miss Hitch Hiker is just trying to keep us on our toes.
Meanwhile I shall continue being stabbed and heated by the acupuncturist and send positive (and slightly stern) turning vibes to my little house guest.
So yeah, it's been eventful. Maybe the term disaster is a little much in the grand scheme of things but as I said above, my way of dealing with such issues is to immediately treat it as one and then deal with it gradually.
For now, it's back to remaining positive for Cheese Teamcake. Teamie relations are stronger than ever and however Little Miss Hitchhiker makes her entrance, none of us can wait to meet the monkey.
Saturday, 16 March 2013
Teamie pictures
As promised, here are some photos of the last few weeks. Hopefully it creates a snapshot of how joyful Teamie Time is. The bottom lot were a huge amount of fun to do, and involved lots of paint & fun. Was completely Niki's idea, not sure she thought through how painty she'd get though..! |
| At the baby show excitedly clutching a little outfit chosen by my mum. |
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| The teamies arrive! Cuddles rock. |
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| Very smiley girls partying - Niki and me with my sisters Abby & Lucy. |
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| Glam friends. |
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| Getting cuddles from Jack & Beth |
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| I love how protective and caring these two are towards "Emily & Adam's baby" |
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| Cheese Teamcake's handprints lovingly placed on bump |
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| My favourite photo of all. |
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| Complete team shot thanks to the timer on Steve's camera! |
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| Another one of my favourites - Adam & I making our handprints. |
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
3/4 down...
And 1/4 to go!! Yep, 30 weeks (well actually we are fast approaching 31...eeeeek).
For me, getting to 30 weeks really means we're in the final stretch of things now. 30 something always sounds ALOT further on than 20 something so even though 29 weeks was only, well last week, it still feels like we are a whole lot closer to due date.
Sadly as bump is growing (photo to follow) so is the pain in my back and hips. Physio is helping lots but am really noticing the stretches in between appointments and any slight exertion is taking it's toll. Luckily the kiddies are being fantastic and are looking after me/being very understanding of Mummy not being able to do everything she used to.
LMHH is the ultimate wriggle bum and alien belly is well and truly starting to arrive. Her jabs are more like squirms now and I am regularly kept awake by her all night parties!
Now things with Em and the move have settled down a bit and I'm on maternity leave, Teamie time has been much more frequent. A few weekends back I had a solo trip to Surrey for a girly outing with Em and her Mum to the The Baby Show. It was so lovely to see them both getting excited about all things baby and I think it was a big reality hit that this was all very very real and not just all a dream. We did get some strange looks from exhibition people when I ignored their questions and directed them to Em, even more so from passers by for the lovingly posed bump photo of the two of us, and found ourselves excitedly explaining the situation to confused faces a lot. It was a fabulous day though and worth it just for the overjoyed look on Em's face when buying a travel system.
Last weekend the whole of the Coventry side of Cheese Teamcake headed on down to Surrey to see 'Emily and Adam's new house with stairs INSIDE' (their old home was an upper maisonette and the novelty of them living in a house was fascinating for Jack). As always the whole family were so hospitable and gave us all a wonderful welcome. We had a great weekend and it was lovely to spend some quality time with our special Teamies.
Sunday brought Mother's day and we couldn't help but contemplate how very different this years was from Em's last. LMHH even got her Mummy-to-be a little something to mark the occasion.
This week brings another Teamie day and our big appointment with the Matron at the hospital to go through all things birth. We both have a list of questions and will hopefully be able to update you about a hugely positive experience afterwards... Fingers crossed.
I kind of feel like my bit is relatively uneventful at the moment. I'm still feeling really positive about everything and am so very thankful that my journey as a surrogate has been such a brilliant one so far.
All that's left is to count down the weeks until LMHH can meet her Mummy and Daddy.
For me, getting to 30 weeks really means we're in the final stretch of things now. 30 something always sounds ALOT further on than 20 something so even though 29 weeks was only, well last week, it still feels like we are a whole lot closer to due date.
Sadly as bump is growing (photo to follow) so is the pain in my back and hips. Physio is helping lots but am really noticing the stretches in between appointments and any slight exertion is taking it's toll. Luckily the kiddies are being fantastic and are looking after me/being very understanding of Mummy not being able to do everything she used to.
LMHH is the ultimate wriggle bum and alien belly is well and truly starting to arrive. Her jabs are more like squirms now and I am regularly kept awake by her all night parties!
Now things with Em and the move have settled down a bit and I'm on maternity leave, Teamie time has been much more frequent. A few weekends back I had a solo trip to Surrey for a girly outing with Em and her Mum to the The Baby Show. It was so lovely to see them both getting excited about all things baby and I think it was a big reality hit that this was all very very real and not just all a dream. We did get some strange looks from exhibition people when I ignored their questions and directed them to Em, even more so from passers by for the lovingly posed bump photo of the two of us, and found ourselves excitedly explaining the situation to confused faces a lot. It was a fabulous day though and worth it just for the overjoyed look on Em's face when buying a travel system.
Last weekend the whole of the Coventry side of Cheese Teamcake headed on down to Surrey to see 'Emily and Adam's new house with stairs INSIDE' (their old home was an upper maisonette and the novelty of them living in a house was fascinating for Jack). As always the whole family were so hospitable and gave us all a wonderful welcome. We had a great weekend and it was lovely to spend some quality time with our special Teamies.
Sunday brought Mother's day and we couldn't help but contemplate how very different this years was from Em's last. LMHH even got her Mummy-to-be a little something to mark the occasion.
This week brings another Teamie day and our big appointment with the Matron at the hospital to go through all things birth. We both have a list of questions and will hopefully be able to update you about a hugely positive experience afterwards... Fingers crossed.
I kind of feel like my bit is relatively uneventful at the moment. I'm still feeling really positive about everything and am so very thankful that my journey as a surrogate has been such a brilliant one so far.
All that's left is to count down the weeks until LMHH can meet her Mummy and Daddy.
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| Glamorous bumpy shot. |
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Bizarre dream.... Random post.
Two nights ago I woke from an extremely bizarre dream about Little Miss Hitchhiker.
Em and I were sat in my living room and in front of us was LHH...complete with amniotic sac, intact waters and umbilical cord!
We were watching her move around and I was pointing out various body parts to a fixated Em.
The sac was lay on a bed of cushions and the umbilical cord was in place and was still attached to me.
When I first woke and recalled this dream I chose not to tell Em as I didn't want her to worry that it was a premonition that the baby was going to be born early. In all honesty that was my first thought and concern and it played on my mind for some of the day.
It was only later on that evening when I sat and thought about it properly that I realised at no point during the dream was there any panic or worry. Everything was perfectly normal throughout and neither of us seemed concerned that the baby was in the middle of the floor.
On reflection (and I'd love for any dream experts out there to be able to confirm or dispute this theory for me) I suspect this dream was quite symbolic of how both Em and I view the pregnancy.
Em can only see her baby from an outsiders point of view, she knows she's there and she knows she's safe and being looked after but can't physically connect with this and relies on me to keep her updated on movements and feelings.
I know I am pregnant and the baby is physically connected to me but I know she is not mine. I look after her and nurture her in utero but have a certain degree of detachment from her, hence the dream showing her being safe and well in her sac getting what she needs from me...but in the middle of the floor.
I may be completely off the mark here but it really interested me and I felt I wanted to share it, I'd love to hear your views on it.
Reading this will be the first Em knows of the details too so I'll be intrigued to see if she would interpret things in the same way....
Apologies for the randomness ;)
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Past the half way point...
20 weeks is a huge milestone in many ways. The pregnancy reaches the half way marker, from now on it's closer to the finish than it is the start. The 20 week scan time where you hopefully get to find out baby is doing just fine and maybe get to stop referring to it as 'it'. In our case there is a visible bump and regular movements can be felt. It is a great stage to be at.
There is something about this half way point though that seems to make people suddenly realise how real everything is...
Everyone but me, it's been real for me since day dot and I'd thought long and hard about every single step of the upcoming journey in detail before it had even begun.
So why do people choose now to worry that I'm going to fall apart?
I've had a fair few 'Oooh, are you still OK? It's getting a bit real now isn't it?' type comments lately and if I'm honest they kind of bug me.
I've been pregnant for nearly 22 weeks, am blooming, am getting more and more excited for Em and Adam by the day, I think it's safe to say I'm doing all right.
I get that people are (hopefully?) just looking out for me but to me it feels as though there is a line of people waiting for me to fail.
I do hope that's not the case and can honestly reassure everybody that I am doing great and if anything the closer to the birth we get the more excited I am about Em and Adam finally becoming parents.
I would like to add that Em, Adam and family are excluded from the above as that is a whole different kind of it finally feeling real. I love that now we are past this point they are relaxing and enjoying this more and more. 20 weeks for them really is HUGE and a milestone they'd only ever dreamed of reaching.
They are beaming with excitement every time I see or speak to them and I am still truly honoured to be able to share this with them.
The 20 week scan was amazing, after my initial defensive daggers rising in preparation for a fight with the sonographer when she said only one person could come in with me,it was another really emotional appointment. I struggled to see Em so worried and it felt bizarre not having those worries myself. With daily movements from wriggle bum and maybe with this being pregnancy number 3 for me I just knew deep down everything was perfect in there and so wasn't nervous at all. It was easy to see that Em was though and so as usual idle chit chat and silly jokes were a must.
I was quite emotional seeing LHH on the screen again, I was as amazed as when seeing my own on there but for entirely different reasons and all to do with the happiness I stole a glimpse of on Em and Adam's faces.
The scans have always felt a little awkward for me, I've said before I feel like I'm intruding on a precious moment I shouldn't be a part of. With Em being detached from the pregnancy this was their chance to connect with their baby, so where I can I shrink out of the picture and let them enjoy those moments as they would if Em was pregnant herself.
Huge hugs were had afterwards though and normal teamie excitement resumed it's natural course.
Aside from the scan the best bit about teamie weekend was by far Em and Adam getting to feel LHH move (the boys may well disagree and go for the party food and beer...).
With me feeling movements for a while and Em only having my running commentary to go by it was hugely exciting for them both to feel a kick and had we not have had other company in the room I suspect Em and I would have burst into tears.
I have been desperately trying to capture L(miss)HH wriggling on video since but the monkey appears to be camera shy and so haven't managed it yet.
There are both exciting and not so exciting things to look forward to over the next few months. We have our meeting booked with the Matron (ooooh) at the hospital to go over our birth plan and what provisions they are going to put in place for Em and Adam to care for the baby once she's born. We have booked a teamie break away for the Easter holidays to bore the boys to tears with more endless girly chit chat.
Slightly less excitingly I shall hopefully be starting some physio and pilates very soon to try and tackle the pesky pains in my back and hips. And in other news I shall soon not be able to see, let alone reach my feet!
I cannot begin to express how lucky I feel to know and to be helping Em and Adam. We all keep saying how bizarre it is that a year ago we were not even in each other lives, we are too close for that to seem right and I can genuinely say that I know we will be in each other's live's forever (sorry boys). Having them here at Christmas time just proved how much like family they are to us.
A friend of mine once said to me 'You know you have a true friend when talking for England is as natural as sitting in a room in silence and not worrying that nobody is speaking'.
This sums up our team for me, nobody feels like they need to make a special effort when we are together, if it's perfectly normal then we are happy.
And very happy we are.
There is something about this half way point though that seems to make people suddenly realise how real everything is...
Everyone but me, it's been real for me since day dot and I'd thought long and hard about every single step of the upcoming journey in detail before it had even begun.
So why do people choose now to worry that I'm going to fall apart?
I've had a fair few 'Oooh, are you still OK? It's getting a bit real now isn't it?' type comments lately and if I'm honest they kind of bug me.
I've been pregnant for nearly 22 weeks, am blooming, am getting more and more excited for Em and Adam by the day, I think it's safe to say I'm doing all right.
I get that people are (hopefully?) just looking out for me but to me it feels as though there is a line of people waiting for me to fail.
I do hope that's not the case and can honestly reassure everybody that I am doing great and if anything the closer to the birth we get the more excited I am about Em and Adam finally becoming parents.
I would like to add that Em, Adam and family are excluded from the above as that is a whole different kind of it finally feeling real. I love that now we are past this point they are relaxing and enjoying this more and more. 20 weeks for them really is HUGE and a milestone they'd only ever dreamed of reaching.
They are beaming with excitement every time I see or speak to them and I am still truly honoured to be able to share this with them.
The 20 week scan was amazing, after my initial defensive daggers rising in preparation for a fight with the sonographer when she said only one person could come in with me,it was another really emotional appointment. I struggled to see Em so worried and it felt bizarre not having those worries myself. With daily movements from wriggle bum and maybe with this being pregnancy number 3 for me I just knew deep down everything was perfect in there and so wasn't nervous at all. It was easy to see that Em was though and so as usual idle chit chat and silly jokes were a must.
I was quite emotional seeing LHH on the screen again, I was as amazed as when seeing my own on there but for entirely different reasons and all to do with the happiness I stole a glimpse of on Em and Adam's faces.
The scans have always felt a little awkward for me, I've said before I feel like I'm intruding on a precious moment I shouldn't be a part of. With Em being detached from the pregnancy this was their chance to connect with their baby, so where I can I shrink out of the picture and let them enjoy those moments as they would if Em was pregnant herself.
Huge hugs were had afterwards though and normal teamie excitement resumed it's natural course.
Aside from the scan the best bit about teamie weekend was by far Em and Adam getting to feel LHH move (the boys may well disagree and go for the party food and beer...).
With me feeling movements for a while and Em only having my running commentary to go by it was hugely exciting for them both to feel a kick and had we not have had other company in the room I suspect Em and I would have burst into tears.
I have been desperately trying to capture L(miss)HH wriggling on video since but the monkey appears to be camera shy and so haven't managed it yet.
There are both exciting and not so exciting things to look forward to over the next few months. We have our meeting booked with the Matron (ooooh) at the hospital to go over our birth plan and what provisions they are going to put in place for Em and Adam to care for the baby once she's born. We have booked a teamie break away for the Easter holidays to bore the boys to tears with more endless girly chit chat.
Slightly less excitingly I shall hopefully be starting some physio and pilates very soon to try and tackle the pesky pains in my back and hips. And in other news I shall soon not be able to see, let alone reach my feet!
I cannot begin to express how lucky I feel to know and to be helping Em and Adam. We all keep saying how bizarre it is that a year ago we were not even in each other lives, we are too close for that to seem right and I can genuinely say that I know we will be in each other's live's forever (sorry boys). Having them here at Christmas time just proved how much like family they are to us.
A friend of mine once said to me 'You know you have a true friend when talking for England is as natural as sitting in a room in silence and not worrying that nobody is speaking'.
This sums up our team for me, nobody feels like they need to make a special effort when we are together, if it's perfectly normal then we are happy.
And very happy we are.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Getting his/her wiggle on
It seems like an age ago that we were all sat in the room, getting funny looks from the receptionists who had just seen my notes and waiting for the sonographer to call us all in for the 12 week scan, and what a magical scan it turned out to be!
After a few delays Little Hitchhiker appeared on the screen and it wasn't long before s/he gave Mummy and Daddy a little wave. I really do struggle to find words to describe the emotion in the room at that point, but complete and utter jubilation probably comes close.
We were so lucky to get a fantastic sonographer! Having had many ultrasounds previously I know that the time she spent just showing Em and Adam the various views of the baby and the effort she went to to get me jiggling so they could see the baby move was above and beyond that of a normal scan appointment.
We all came away from the hospital 100x more excited about everything than we were previously and it's been so nice watching Em and Adam let themselves believe this is actually happening and that they are actually going to be parents in a matter of months.
As if that wasn't a huge enough deal, on November 8th, a day short of 13 weeks I rudely interrupted Em and Adam's evening by sending a late night Whatsapp message that was far to important not to share.
I felt their baby move!!!!
I was told I'd feel movements earlier this time but wasn't expecting it to be at 13 weeks, I even had to do a quick Google to make sure it was even possible. With this being my third pregnancy there was simply no mistaking those first flutters though, the tiny pops under the skin that tell me LHH is getting his/her wiggle on.
As expected they were hugely excited and LHH continued his/her party while I drifted off to sleep.
I've felt movements most days since and jut can't wait for the time when Em and Adam will be able to feel them from the outside.
For me it can only get more and more exciting from here. Tangible changes are now happening and LHH's developments will be very visible from here on in.
Next Milestone: 20 week scan!
After a few delays Little Hitchhiker appeared on the screen and it wasn't long before s/he gave Mummy and Daddy a little wave. I really do struggle to find words to describe the emotion in the room at that point, but complete and utter jubilation probably comes close.
We were so lucky to get a fantastic sonographer! Having had many ultrasounds previously I know that the time she spent just showing Em and Adam the various views of the baby and the effort she went to to get me jiggling so they could see the baby move was above and beyond that of a normal scan appointment.
We all came away from the hospital 100x more excited about everything than we were previously and it's been so nice watching Em and Adam let themselves believe this is actually happening and that they are actually going to be parents in a matter of months.
As if that wasn't a huge enough deal, on November 8th, a day short of 13 weeks I rudely interrupted Em and Adam's evening by sending a late night Whatsapp message that was far to important not to share.
I felt their baby move!!!!
I was told I'd feel movements earlier this time but wasn't expecting it to be at 13 weeks, I even had to do a quick Google to make sure it was even possible. With this being my third pregnancy there was simply no mistaking those first flutters though, the tiny pops under the skin that tell me LHH is getting his/her wiggle on.
As expected they were hugely excited and LHH continued his/her party while I drifted off to sleep.
I've felt movements most days since and jut can't wait for the time when Em and Adam will be able to feel them from the outside.
For me it can only get more and more exciting from here. Tangible changes are now happening and LHH's developments will be very visible from here on in.
Next Milestone: 20 week scan!
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
*insert shamed face here*
I've been slightly lacking in the blogging department lately and have shamefully left all the updating to Em :/
The thing when writing these things, especially when it's about such an important and emotive subject is that you've got to be in the right frame of mind to even begin to sound coherent.
With sickness and tiredness I've not exactly been 'there' recently so for that I apologise.
I'm happy to report I'm now feeling better (and as Em rightly pointed out, fatter!) so I will endeavour to update you all on my part :)
So, lets rewind 4 weeks and revisit the viability scan. With the bleed the week before and all the hopes pinned on seeing a heartbeat I have to admit I was a little nervous. I knew we should be seeing a heartbeat by then but had told myself over and over (and told Em too) that if we didn't see one it could just still be slightly too early and not to panic. I'd been feeling so rubbish that, deep down I knew everything was progressing nicely, but the worries were still there...
After donning my attractive white paper wrap around skirt and trying desperately not to flash my bum to Em and Adam (who was kindly looking everywhere but at me at this point bless him) I hopped up onto the chair and waited for Anna to do her stuff.
The relief and pure elation in the room when, within seconds she announced there was a heartbeat is really quite indescribable. I was completely overwhelmed with emotions at that moment. We all just looked between each other, tears in our eyes, almost in disbelief. The realisation hit that it had really worked and I had a tiny Little Hitch-hiker growing rapidly inside me making dreams come true. Teeny baby Assen starting his or her journey back to it's parents. We all kept looking at each other with goofy grins and I almost felt guilty for intruding on such a precious moment. It was amazing.
The rest of the day was pretty much filled will random squeals and 'Oh my Gods' and lots more happiness.
That was a huge personal milestone for me and I relaxed lots and worried much less afterwards. I was aware that once you'd seen a heartbeat the chances of a miscarriage significantly drop, so although I appreciate that there is a long way to go, that was a big big hurdle and getting past that really put my mind at rest that things were going well.
Fast forward 3 weeks and on to the booking in appointment.
I was worried about this for very different reasons. I knew full well it was a bucket load of questions and paperwork but I also knew what a MASSIVE deal this was for Em. As she put it to me, she was going to the place where people go when they are having babies!!!!! Hugely exciting stuff!!
I had no idea who the midwife we would see would be and was quite concerned she'd be negative, disapproving, rude or just plain unhelpful. I really wanted this first appointment to be a positive experience that Em would come away from feeling even more excited and not one that would spoil the journey.
As it happened we had THE most perfect midwife who was just fabulous and even with going 45 minutes over, extra paperwork and column editing she made the whole experience enjoyable and light hearted but most of all exciting.
I'm really not fussed who I get for my 5 minute, pee in a pot appointments now as that first one was just perfect, and it meant a lot to me for Em to get that :)
So here we are today. 10wks 5 days and I'm officially a fatty. Maternity jeans have surfaced and normal wardrobe is slowly being packed away.
I'm loving the fact that Em and Adam are now starting to believe this is all actually happening and can finally get excited and plan for a future involving a much wanted squidge.
The next milestone is the 12 week scan. The hospital have already been helpful and added it to my notes that I will require 2 people to accompany me (there policy is only 1 person and they can be quite strict about that) so hopefully this bodes well for the coming months and the inevitably complicated birth and post natal care plan we will be presenting to them.
1/4 down, 3/4 to go...
The thing when writing these things, especially when it's about such an important and emotive subject is that you've got to be in the right frame of mind to even begin to sound coherent.
With sickness and tiredness I've not exactly been 'there' recently so for that I apologise.
I'm happy to report I'm now feeling better (and as Em rightly pointed out, fatter!) so I will endeavour to update you all on my part :)
So, lets rewind 4 weeks and revisit the viability scan. With the bleed the week before and all the hopes pinned on seeing a heartbeat I have to admit I was a little nervous. I knew we should be seeing a heartbeat by then but had told myself over and over (and told Em too) that if we didn't see one it could just still be slightly too early and not to panic. I'd been feeling so rubbish that, deep down I knew everything was progressing nicely, but the worries were still there...
After donning my attractive white paper wrap around skirt and trying desperately not to flash my bum to Em and Adam (who was kindly looking everywhere but at me at this point bless him) I hopped up onto the chair and waited for Anna to do her stuff.
The relief and pure elation in the room when, within seconds she announced there was a heartbeat is really quite indescribable. I was completely overwhelmed with emotions at that moment. We all just looked between each other, tears in our eyes, almost in disbelief. The realisation hit that it had really worked and I had a tiny Little Hitch-hiker growing rapidly inside me making dreams come true. Teeny baby Assen starting his or her journey back to it's parents. We all kept looking at each other with goofy grins and I almost felt guilty for intruding on such a precious moment. It was amazing.
The rest of the day was pretty much filled will random squeals and 'Oh my Gods' and lots more happiness.
That was a huge personal milestone for me and I relaxed lots and worried much less afterwards. I was aware that once you'd seen a heartbeat the chances of a miscarriage significantly drop, so although I appreciate that there is a long way to go, that was a big big hurdle and getting past that really put my mind at rest that things were going well.
Fast forward 3 weeks and on to the booking in appointment.
I was worried about this for very different reasons. I knew full well it was a bucket load of questions and paperwork but I also knew what a MASSIVE deal this was for Em. As she put it to me, she was going to the place where people go when they are having babies!!!!! Hugely exciting stuff!!
I had no idea who the midwife we would see would be and was quite concerned she'd be negative, disapproving, rude or just plain unhelpful. I really wanted this first appointment to be a positive experience that Em would come away from feeling even more excited and not one that would spoil the journey.
As it happened we had THE most perfect midwife who was just fabulous and even with going 45 minutes over, extra paperwork and column editing she made the whole experience enjoyable and light hearted but most of all exciting.
I'm really not fussed who I get for my 5 minute, pee in a pot appointments now as that first one was just perfect, and it meant a lot to me for Em to get that :)
So here we are today. 10wks 5 days and I'm officially a fatty. Maternity jeans have surfaced and normal wardrobe is slowly being packed away.
I'm loving the fact that Em and Adam are now starting to believe this is all actually happening and can finally get excited and plan for a future involving a much wanted squidge.
The next milestone is the 12 week scan. The hospital have already been helpful and added it to my notes that I will require 2 people to accompany me (there policy is only 1 person and they can be quite strict about that) so hopefully this bodes well for the coming months and the inevitably complicated birth and post natal care plan we will be presenting to them.
1/4 down, 3/4 to go...
Monday, 10 September 2012
Positive...Part 2.
I know you
guys will have already read the fabulous news in Em’s post (yaaaaaay!!!) but we
both felt it would be good to get this down from my perspective too.
This 2ww (actually 11 day wait) has been the longest 11 days of my life. Knowing somebody else’s, and something else’s fate lies in your hands is just an indescribable feeling, and one that has brought with it a rollercoaster of emotions.
I’d started to ‘feel’ pregnant just a few short days after the transfer and when I started to get a few signs and symptoms I started to think my feelings may have been right. After a couple of days of feeling a bit funny the sickness started to creep in and I let myself tell Em about it all. I played things down a little bit, and in a way, felt awful sharing this with her, as the last thing I wanted to do was get her hopes up. As the sickness crept up a notch and the tiredness and lethargy crept in I let myself tell her a little bit more.
I was
so sure, yet in the same breath was so damn nervous about being completely
wrong.
I dreamt we’d got a positive midweek, a 2-3 weeks pregnant on a Clearblue Digital, but woke up telling myself off for being so confident and spent the rest of the day convinced it had failed.
By Friday morning I was itching to test, for various reasons we’d all agreed to stick with the test date Hammersmith had given to us but the wait really was driving me crazy.
Em had said to be that she wouldn’t hold it against me if I needed to know but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it without her. Even though we wouldn’t be together in person on the day, it was their moment and their result to share, not mine, and I didn’t want to know a result any longer before them than I had to.
So my decision was made, I was driving myself mad for 2 more days.
I kept feeling more and more pregnant, yet almost feeling more and more negative. My minds way of keeping me grounded I guess.
I dreamt we’d got a positive midweek, a 2-3 weeks pregnant on a Clearblue Digital, but woke up telling myself off for being so confident and spent the rest of the day convinced it had failed.
By Friday morning I was itching to test, for various reasons we’d all agreed to stick with the test date Hammersmith had given to us but the wait really was driving me crazy.
Em had said to be that she wouldn’t hold it against me if I needed to know but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it without her. Even though we wouldn’t be together in person on the day, it was their moment and their result to share, not mine, and I didn’t want to know a result any longer before them than I had to.
So my decision was made, I was driving myself mad for 2 more days.
I kept feeling more and more pregnant, yet almost feeling more and more negative. My minds way of keeping me grounded I guess.
So, along
came Sunday, ‘pee on a stick’ day (or pee in a pot and dip the sticks in my
case).
We’d already planned that we’d talk via our ‘Teamie’s chat’ group on our phones and all 4 of us were online bright and early at 7am.
We all said a quick good morning and I headed off to the bathroom to do my stuff.
After an agonising 40 second wait (yes it appeared that quickly) I gingerly pulled back the cover on the Hammersmith test to reveal two lines!!!!
We were Pregnant!!
I think my words were ‘Bloody hell’. I showed Steve and, in a typical Male (sorry), blasé response he simply said ‘yeah…well we already knew you were’.
I still couldn’t quite believe it so spent what felt like an age staring at the flashing egg timer on the Digital, willing it to hurry up. After a minute or so, staring back at me was the word pregnant, closely followed by the numbers 2-3 (just as I'd dreamt).
The first thing I did was burst into tears, quickly followed by snapping a photo to send to a nail biting Em and Adam followed by the words ‘OMG’.
The emotions that followed are really hard to describe.
Those of you reading who have been lucky enough to experience a pregnancy will know that magical feeling you get when you know a new life is growing inside you, the instant that instinct kicks in to want to do everything in your power to protect it. Well I felt that as much when seeing that positive test as I did with my own two children except this time my instinct is to do everything in my power to help it make it’s way safely to it’s Parents. And this time I had the added magic of knowing that the news I was about to break to two very special friends would not only make their morning, but their day, week, year and many, many more years to come.
I felt like the luckiest person in the world being able to be the bearer of that news, and being able to share the utter elation that followed it, and I feel truly honoured to be carrying a very special little baby for two very deserving, now parents to be.
We’d already planned that we’d talk via our ‘Teamie’s chat’ group on our phones and all 4 of us were online bright and early at 7am.
We all said a quick good morning and I headed off to the bathroom to do my stuff.
After an agonising 40 second wait (yes it appeared that quickly) I gingerly pulled back the cover on the Hammersmith test to reveal two lines!!!!
We were Pregnant!!
I think my words were ‘Bloody hell’. I showed Steve and, in a typical Male (sorry), blasé response he simply said ‘yeah…well we already knew you were’.
I still couldn’t quite believe it so spent what felt like an age staring at the flashing egg timer on the Digital, willing it to hurry up. After a minute or so, staring back at me was the word pregnant, closely followed by the numbers 2-3 (just as I'd dreamt).
The first thing I did was burst into tears, quickly followed by snapping a photo to send to a nail biting Em and Adam followed by the words ‘OMG’.
The emotions that followed are really hard to describe.
Those of you reading who have been lucky enough to experience a pregnancy will know that magical feeling you get when you know a new life is growing inside you, the instant that instinct kicks in to want to do everything in your power to protect it. Well I felt that as much when seeing that positive test as I did with my own two children except this time my instinct is to do everything in my power to help it make it’s way safely to it’s Parents. And this time I had the added magic of knowing that the news I was about to break to two very special friends would not only make their morning, but their day, week, year and many, many more years to come.
I felt like the luckiest person in the world being able to be the bearer of that news, and being able to share the utter elation that followed it, and I feel truly honoured to be carrying a very special little baby for two very deserving, now parents to be.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Little Hitchhiker 2
As Niki has said, Wednesday really was a truly exciting day. We had a lovely time at Westfields before transfer (boys probably slightly less than us as they had to keep themselves busy whilst we hunted for bargains) and sauntered down to the hospital munching our sweets and still chatting and laughing.
Sitting in the downstairs waiting room was the most nerve-wracking part for me; at that point we had no idea how many (if any) embryos had made it to day 5. We went upstairs to the next waiting room (edging ever closer to the transfer theatre) where as Niki says, there were other couples looking v sombre. It made me appreciate again what a huge huge (cannot emphasise it enough) plus the incredible friendship is when you're going through surrogacy; they say a problem shared is a problem halved and I'm sure having 4 of us in this together helps make it easier.
We were called in to discuss the embryos and the lovely embryologist said "it's good news" very swiftly which slowed my pounding heart down somewhat! Out of the 8 that had been developing, 2 had made it to good quality blasts, with the others still alive but further behind. The decision then arose as to whether to transfer 1 or 2, and after some conversation between the 4 of us and advice from both Dr Carby and the embryologist, we went for 1.The other good one (along with 1 other good one that caught up and 2 average ones) would later be frozen and put into storage.
After gowning up and spending a silly few minutes playing "what can we turn the paper square into" we were taken in. I think one moment sums Niki up pretty perfectly; we were in the transfer theatre, Niki was lying on the bed in a hospital gown, legs in stirrups, and she turned to me and said "are you OK?". As always, worrying and caring about everyone else.
As I've mentioned before, I have a love/hate relationship with the 2ww. I love the possibilities it offers, the fact we're PUPO (or SPUPO as some of the lovely Hammersmith hospital ladies I chat to have renamed it for us, the S standing for "Surrogately" which is now officially a word....) I love the fact that we're so close we could almost touch it, that we've already overcome so many obstacles. On the other hand the what ifs can drive you crazy, and the idea that it might again be a negative is very hard to digest. I cannot imagine the pressure Niki feels; I know how much she cares and how much she wants this to work for us, and I know whatever the result, this superstar lady could not have done more & we are eternally grateful regardless.
You might be able to help keep us preoccupied. Obviously we cannot really blog about progress for a bit, so we thought you might have questions for us. Perhaps those reading who are Niki's friends and family have questions for me, and vice versa. Or perhaps there are questions which are easier to ask written down than face to face. Anyway, if you do have any, please ask away, we're both happy to answer what we can and as I say, it might keep us busy and sane!
Sitting in the downstairs waiting room was the most nerve-wracking part for me; at that point we had no idea how many (if any) embryos had made it to day 5. We went upstairs to the next waiting room (edging ever closer to the transfer theatre) where as Niki says, there were other couples looking v sombre. It made me appreciate again what a huge huge (cannot emphasise it enough) plus the incredible friendship is when you're going through surrogacy; they say a problem shared is a problem halved and I'm sure having 4 of us in this together helps make it easier.
We were called in to discuss the embryos and the lovely embryologist said "it's good news" very swiftly which slowed my pounding heart down somewhat! Out of the 8 that had been developing, 2 had made it to good quality blasts, with the others still alive but further behind. The decision then arose as to whether to transfer 1 or 2, and after some conversation between the 4 of us and advice from both Dr Carby and the embryologist, we went for 1.The other good one (along with 1 other good one that caught up and 2 average ones) would later be frozen and put into storage.
After gowning up and spending a silly few minutes playing "what can we turn the paper square into" we were taken in. I think one moment sums Niki up pretty perfectly; we were in the transfer theatre, Niki was lying on the bed in a hospital gown, legs in stirrups, and she turned to me and said "are you OK?". As always, worrying and caring about everyone else.
 |
| The star itself, little hitchhiker (photo taken through microscope just prior to transfer) |
As I've mentioned before, I have a love/hate relationship with the 2ww. I love the possibilities it offers, the fact we're PUPO (or SPUPO as some of the lovely Hammersmith hospital ladies I chat to have renamed it for us, the S standing for "Surrogately" which is now officially a word....) I love the fact that we're so close we could almost touch it, that we've already overcome so many obstacles. On the other hand the what ifs can drive you crazy, and the idea that it might again be a negative is very hard to digest. I cannot imagine the pressure Niki feels; I know how much she cares and how much she wants this to work for us, and I know whatever the result, this superstar lady could not have done more & we are eternally grateful regardless.
You might be able to help keep us preoccupied. Obviously we cannot really blog about progress for a bit, so we thought you might have questions for us. Perhaps those reading who are Niki's friends and family have questions for me, and vice versa. Or perhaps there are questions which are easier to ask written down than face to face. Anyway, if you do have any, please ask away, we're both happy to answer what we can and as I say, it might keep us busy and sane!
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Overwhelmed and Excited
As Em has already said last week was Teamies week and Steve, The Kids and I took the Caravan down to Surrey.
It truly was a fabulous week full of meeting new people, cuddling squidgy babies, being big children and realising just how useless men are at communication ;)
Scan day was very exciting! After a very early start and a fairly stress free trip into an Olympic London we actually arrived at Hammersmith early and we were in and out before my actual appointment time. This of course meant we had to kill some time window shopping and having breakfast in Westfields ;)
I was so pleased to hear I was fully down regulated, mainly because it means we can now move on to the next stage of treatment (yay!!) but also because it means I'm one day closer to being able to stop these injections!!
We had a lovely afternoon and lunch at Emily's parent's house afterwards and the weather even held off long enough for a park trip so thebig kids could burn off some energy. Friday we spent at Adam's parent's and it was lovely seeing all the children playing together in the glorious sunshine.
I am really overwhelmed by how lovely both Emily and Adam's family and friends are and how they have all welcomed us into their lives so effortlessly. I really struggle with being thanked and praised for the help I am very much hoping to be giving very soon and always react awkwardly but it really does put in to perspective just how many people our journey is affecting.
This isn't only going to be a very special son or daughter, but also a grandchild, a great grandchild, a niece or nephew, a cousin, a special friend... that though thought literally brings tears to my eyes, more so now these once strangers now feel like friends.
This is the first time along our journey I have truly felt nervous. There is so much riding on this and so many people behind us all and with them all in mind,just allowing myself to consider the possibility this may fail breaks my heart. I am very much with Em though, why not invest our heart and soul into this and enjoy each step for the exciting time that it is.
I am still remaining very positive and am quite convinced it is going to work. Fate has played its hand in mysterious ways in our journey so far and I really believe there's a very good reason for that.
Only a few weeks to go and we can hopefully prove that point :)
It truly was a fabulous week full of meeting new people, cuddling squidgy babies, being big children and realising just how useless men are at communication ;)
Scan day was very exciting! After a very early start and a fairly stress free trip into an Olympic London we actually arrived at Hammersmith early and we were in and out before my actual appointment time. This of course meant we had to kill some time window shopping and having breakfast in Westfields ;)
I was so pleased to hear I was fully down regulated, mainly because it means we can now move on to the next stage of treatment (yay!!) but also because it means I'm one day closer to being able to stop these injections!!
We had a lovely afternoon and lunch at Emily's parent's house afterwards and the weather even held off long enough for a park trip so the
I am really overwhelmed by how lovely both Emily and Adam's family and friends are and how they have all welcomed us into their lives so effortlessly. I really struggle with being thanked and praised for the help I am very much hoping to be giving very soon and always react awkwardly but it really does put in to perspective just how many people our journey is affecting.
This isn't only going to be a very special son or daughter, but also a grandchild, a great grandchild, a niece or nephew, a cousin, a special friend... that though thought literally brings tears to my eyes, more so now these once strangers now feel like friends.
This is the first time along our journey I have truly felt nervous. There is so much riding on this and so many people behind us all and with them all in mind,just allowing myself to consider the possibility this may fail breaks my heart. I am very much with Em though, why not invest our heart and soul into this and enjoy each step for the exciting time that it is.
I am still remaining very positive and am quite convinced it is going to work. Fate has played its hand in mysterious ways in our journey so far and I really believe there's a very good reason for that.
Only a few weeks to go and we can hopefully prove that point :)
Monday, 23 July 2012
Ready....skip the next bit...GO!!
Well, where do I start? The beginning is always a good one I know but it's all such a blur I'm not sure where exactly that bit was!!
Everything was so clear in my head after our previous appointment with Anna, I was to start meds on day 27 of my cycle, day 1 was looming, all was fine....then in jumped Mother Nature to keep us all on our toes.
Day 1 didn't come. When it still wasn't here a week or so later I started to worry a little (OK, a lot) and after lots of panicky messages between Em and I, and a reassuring email from Anna (on a Sunday evening too, she really is fab!) we all felt a bit better and resigned to the fact we'd have to let nature take it course and decide what to do when it finally arrived.
On to the day of the joint appointments. After a last minute re-route on the tube Steve and I met Emily and Adam in London and headed off to Hammersmith. First was the compulsory counselling with a lovely lady called Jeni. She made Steve and I feel really at ease and just wanted a general idea of why we were wanting to help Emily and Adam, how we met, what sort of relationship we had etc. I did have a 'wave of terror' moment when she asked Steve how he would feel when I was pregnant and his response was simply 'I haven't given it much thought, she'll be fat and I'll be looking after the kids'!! Luckily though it seems that's a typical male attitude to take and she actually commented that she'd have been more shocked had he have been completely happy with everything all along and had all the 'right' answers.
As Em had said she complimented the whole team and seemed genuinely delighted at the close friendship we all have.
After a quick gourmet lunch in the hospital cafe it was in for our appointment with Prem, our coordinating nurse.
A short introduction was followed by some quick cycle day questions and off he popped out to liaise with Anna about our treatment protocols. (Cue complete childish behaviour from the boys once left alone in the nurses office!! *rolls eyes* ). It seemed like an age before he returned but when he did he announced they'd like me to start treatment the very next day!!!!!!
As Em has said, we had some idea this might be an option already, but for it to actually suddenly be a reality was both very daunting and hugely exciting all at the same time. Em and I shared an excited smile and then it was time to do lots of listening and learning...eeek.
 |
| I have a date with one of these every morning now. Is it pleasant? No. Does is hurt? A little. Is it worth it? Yes. |
It is completely bizarre to think that less than a week ago I was worrying I may not start treatment in time to be ready for our aim of a fresh transfer in September, and now here we are, 5 days in!
Along with Em, I cannot thank SUK enough for being completely behind us all and giving us approval to begin a few days before our official agreement with them is signed.
So that's it, the official start to what's going to be a hugely exciting couple of months.
Positive thoughts for Cheese Teamcake please.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Niki's first post
Niki here. Thought it was about time I bit the bullet and wrote my first contribution to our surrogacy blog.
I was most definitely as nervous as Em when meeting for that first coffee on Friday 13th however, as Em has already said it was very relaxed and the chat and laughter flowed without any effort at all. So much so before we knew it nearly 2 hours had passed and I was going to be late for work!
I couldn't wait to tell Steve all about it and although it was a little longer before I made it official, I just knew I'd met the couple I wanted to offer to help have a child. Endless chit chat in the days following (and pretty much every day since) and a genuine emerging friendship confirmed this for me and here we are today, in our exciting journey as 'Cheese Teamcake'.
We are already in June and time is flying by. It's so hard to believe we were all complete strangers just a few months ago.We've had lots of fun teamie meet ups and of course our first appointment in Harley St. I have my first 2 scans very soon - complete with mandatory girly London jaunt afterwards!- and then hopefully our next meeting with Dr.C will give us some treatment dates to get excited about.
I am both extremely excited and extremely nervous to be entering into the unknown world of IVF. I'm learning things I thought I already knew every single day of the journey and coming across emotions I didn't even know existed. Thanks to Google I can now recite the names of all the drugs I need to take,what they do and the possible side effects, and coming from the girl who has a headache for a week before taking painkillers, this is good!
One thing Google can't answer for me though is the question I am faced with most often when telling people about our surrogacy journey... Why?
If they could only see the joy I see in Emily and Adam at just being given another shot at this, then they wouldn't even need to ask. I feel very lucky to be teamed with such a wonderful couple and I truly hope we have lots of positive news to blog about in the near future.
Signing off for now.
Niki
I was most definitely as nervous as Em when meeting for that first coffee on Friday 13th however, as Em has already said it was very relaxed and the chat and laughter flowed without any effort at all. So much so before we knew it nearly 2 hours had passed and I was going to be late for work!
I couldn't wait to tell Steve all about it and although it was a little longer before I made it official, I just knew I'd met the couple I wanted to offer to help have a child. Endless chit chat in the days following (and pretty much every day since) and a genuine emerging friendship confirmed this for me and here we are today, in our exciting journey as 'Cheese Teamcake'.
We are already in June and time is flying by. It's so hard to believe we were all complete strangers just a few months ago.We've had lots of fun teamie meet ups and of course our first appointment in Harley St. I have my first 2 scans very soon - complete with mandatory girly London jaunt afterwards!- and then hopefully our next meeting with Dr.C will give us some treatment dates to get excited about.
I am both extremely excited and extremely nervous to be entering into the unknown world of IVF. I'm learning things I thought I already knew every single day of the journey and coming across emotions I didn't even know existed. Thanks to Google I can now recite the names of all the drugs I need to take,what they do and the possible side effects, and coming from the girl who has a headache for a week before taking painkillers, this is good!
One thing Google can't answer for me though is the question I am faced with most often when telling people about our surrogacy journey... Why?
If they could only see the joy I see in Emily and Adam at just being given another shot at this, then they wouldn't even need to ask. I feel very lucky to be teamed with such a wonderful couple and I truly hope we have lots of positive news to blog about in the near future.
Signing off for now.
Niki
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